A Research Update

I thought an update on my research would be informative, and perhaps a cure for insomnia. So if you are reading this at midnight and not able to sleep, just keep reading and you'll soon be in the land of dreams.

Speaking of dreams. I have a recurring one. I don't know what it says about me, probably nothing. I think the whole dream interpretation thing is akin to selling snake oil from the back of a Conestoga wagon. My dream does not have a recurring place or recurring characters other than myself. It does not take place in a certain time of day and it is not of a certain length. The recurring feature is an emotion or a pattern of thinking. Here is a typical, but not necessarily recurring scenario:

I am back at college and the day is progressing nicely. I have just had lunch and I see a couple of friends. But just as I am really enjoying the moment the thought of a class comes into my mind. I realize that I have forgotten to go to the class -- for the last 3 weeks. Then I cannot remember where the class meets. Then I cannot remember where the registrar's office is so I can get a copy of the classes I have signed up for. Then I just randomly try opening doors to classrooms hoping they are right. As I am doing this, I am doing the math in my head to see if I still have a prayer of getting an A in the class, "Lets see that's 3 quizzes, reading reports, and 1 book review I have missed" I begin to sweat at this point in the dream and on my pillow. Finally I figure out where the class is and I am ready to go in but I realize I don't have my books, paper, or a pen. Nor am I wearing a shirt. I know I must go back to my dorm room and get everything, especially the shirt. But I cannot remember where the dorm is, I have lost my key and all of my shirts are either dirty or 4 sizes too small. I end up putting on a tuxedo jacket and bermuda shorts and run to the class. But when I get there the door handle will not turn. At this point I usually wake up in the fetal position with every muscle in my body hurting.

As I said, there are variables to the dream. Sometimes I am trying to get to my job. Sometimes I have a shirt but it has 20 holes in it. Sometimes I have forgotten my locker combination in highschool. But the emotional component remains the same - I am continually dropping the ball and I know that I am the only one to blame. No one made me forget the class, I forgot. No one took my shirt (I am quite confident of this), I just did not have one. I lost the key and it is my memory that is failing constantly. Now if I did believe in dream interpretation I know what any shrink would say, "Calm your hiney down, man. Its not the end of the world. That will be $400 please."

But there is something more here that I need to embrace. At the center of the dream is the nagging feeling of falling short and trying to make it better. What I need to embrace is that I was born falling short and I cannot make it better. That is not defeatism, that is a necessary spiritual recognition that must take place. All have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God. No amount of running around or passing the blame or playing catchup will suffice. I fall short.

Grace does not need my attention to be Amazing. God's Grace is objectively amazing without my subjective approval. But it is that recognition that makes Grace Amazing in the life of Tim Bridges. Sadly, though I have been transformed by Him, I am too frequently in the fleshy fetal position thrashing myself over mistakes, lapsed memory, and other shortcomings. I long for the day when I can have that dream again and be comforted by it, when I can turn the classroom I had failed to attend into a stage on which Grace lingers as I lavish applause. Let the hands that slap my own face be lifted in praise. May it never be that I think successes and sweet dreams could ever lessen my need for Grace. Or as Paul said it, "May it never be that I should boast, save in the cross of my Lord Jesus Christ..." Oh the riches of His grace, friends. It is not until we embrace the depths of our sin that we will be in awe of His righteousness. And it is not until we weep for that righteousness that we will know this Grace.

By the way, I am researching John Calvin's theology of worship and its implications in the iconoclasm of William Dowsing. Sweet dreams.

Tim